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Resume/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Amir: Two best friends, one office, zero possibilities. :Jake: I'm not gonna let you write these anymore. Episode :(Jake is sitting on a couch working on his laptop, when Amir comes in and tries to sit between him and the armrest) :Jake: What are you doing? Sit there! Amir! Sit there! We have an entire couch, and I'm not gonna move because I was— ---- :(Jake has moved) :Amir: (Giving Jake some papers) Hey can you help a cousin out with his resume? :Jake: Wow, actually, yes, absolutely. Are you looking for another job? :Amir: Something like that. :Jake: Alright, right off the bat, you've used a sample resume I'm guessing, because your name is "Will B. Hired". :Amir: You caught that. :Jake: Yes, I did. And your email address is put@emailaddress.here. :Amir: Okay, can we please just focus on what matters? ---- :Jake: Objective, wow. Why don't you read this out loud and tell me if it's what you want to send to a prospective employer. :Amir: "Money = pussy". No. ---- :Amir: You want a hurtsdangit? :Jake: What? :(Amir punches Jake in the arm) :Amir: Hurts! :(Jake punches back) :Amir: Dang it! ---- :Jake: Under "Experiences" you just wrote "When something happens to you"; that's just defining it. :Amir: Mhm. Did I get it right, though? :Jake: It doesn't matter. :Amir: That's a yes. ---- :Jake: Under "Skills" you wrote "dunking". :Amir: Mhm. A basketball. :Jake: Yeah, no, I know, but you can't do that. :Amir: Yeah, did I specify how tall the hoop was? :Jake: You did, you said 10 feet. :Amir: Okay so delete it. It's not rocket sockets. :Jake: I know but it's still— :Amir: Just get out of my life! ---- :Jake: Yeah, this, like, all this, where you listed every school, even the ones you went to when you were a baby, that's just un—(glances at Amir) are you asleep? Are you asleep? :Amir: Hnh? Yeah! No. ---- :Jake: "Proficient at Microsoft Word", right? You said you can write 500 words a minute? :Amir: Mhm. But, did I specify what kind of words? :Jake: You did; you're always specifying for some reason. You wrote "nonsense words", and a winking emoticon. ---- :Jake: Activities, you wrote "none", which is honest, but it's probably a bad move. :Amir: Yeah, well, I didn't wanna lie. :Jake: Yeah but then there's a comma and you wrote "music". :Amir: Right, well you gotta sweeten the deal a little bit. Right? You gotta tickle the generals. (The sound of Amir cackling is overdubbed) —a little bit. So, just stop focusing on that one line. I feel like you're harping so much on that one specific. The rest of the resume is gibberish, I got a cyst on my neck that doctors don't even know how to drain yet, bec— ---- :Jake: Special Skills: "playing DVDs". :Amir: Mhm. Just pop in, press play, and enjoy— :Jake: Enjoy the ride. Yep, you wrote that. You also wrote, "If it skips, cry till it's fixed." :Amir: It rhymes. :Jake: It doesn't. ---- :Amir: (Showing Jake his cyst) Feel this. And you're worried about— :Jake: Oh! God. :Amir: If people can even talk about my music? Who cares about music! ---- :Jake: For "Extracurriculars" you have "My cousin owns a laser tag." That's not really relevant. :Amir: Yes it is, this is his resume. :Jake: So you're not looking for a new job? :Amir: No, I'm not—why would I look for a new job? I got the best coworkers in the world! (Tickles Jake, who resists)